How hard it is

I have spent my whole adult life as a dominate hetro male in a hetro relationship with young kids. Then after being single for a year i experienced being a bottom in an encounter. I have never felt or experienced what l felt at that time. I loved it, it felt so good. But because of how l have lived my life and the structure l procide to my kids it must reamain a secret. Though i long for the feeling again